16 Comments
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Leyla Sanai's avatar

I love this. Tender, funny, self-effacing, and never maudlin or self pitying. Thank you for giving me a good laugh in hospital.

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Nellie's avatar

The sufferings of the self conscious! Every mouthful of food, no matter how magnificent, doomed to taste like cardboard. Tragic.

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Jeffrey Streeter's avatar

Wonderful writing. I think this paragraph is just superb: "I saunter up and down and then walk to the corner. Still no sign. I check my phone for messages. There are none. While I have my phone in my hand I look for the original exchange of emails. Which restaurant. What hour. What day. What week. What year even. At the best of times I am clumsy with my phone. My fingers hit the wrong keys. This makes my typing slower and more deliberate but it’s one of the laws of phone-typing that the more careful you are the harder the phone finds it to recognise a word you type. This is why a six-month old baby who sits on the phone is more likely to post a comprehensible message than I am. But because I am irritated I make more mistakes still and can’t locate that original exchange of emails. I’m now beginning to wonder if there ever was one." The way you vary the sentence length and create a rhythm of minor despair. Brilliant and funny.

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alice-ann hoefkens's avatar

So enjoyed reading this Howard. Haven’t been stood up for many years. I wonder is the ‘friend’ still categorised as such after gaslighting you...? Have tasted that bitter fruit as well. It leaves a sour taste much like food eaten seulment, but there’s an area on our tongue specifically for bitter, so let’s eat up and educate our emotional palate... Despise this post pandemic restaurant grandiosity you speak of, vive tratorria terrorism I say😘

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Gary Sinyor's avatar

Who was the barmaid? Is he alive? If so I’ll have his guts for garters.

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Jo Thompson's avatar

I’d planned to go out to eat sola this evening - maybe I won’t!

I hope the friend remained a friend despite being a barmaid

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Groke Toffle's avatar

This is such... luminescent,, beautiful writing. Thanks : )

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Paul Backhouse's avatar

Brilliant. Being a great flaneur is not without risk...

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Leyla Sanai's avatar

I keep trying to share to Facebook and twitter, but the link constantly changes from the specific one for the article to the generic substack.com one. Frustrating.

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pat matsueda's avatar

I'm afraid I'm a year late with my comment, but the story still felt very fresh to me. It was charming and delightful. Thank you for it.

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Alta Ifland's avatar

Well, what an idiot the one who stood you up! I am not saying this to be nice, but as a fan of your writing. I would have loved to have dinner with you. By the way, I too hate eating alone in a restaurant, not because I mind being alone--I don't--but because of the way the others look at you. Great piece--thank you!

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Shamontiel L. Vaughn's avatar

Barmaids are gonna barmaid! I've been stood up before. I was in high school, senior year. This guy I'd been working with was supposed to meet me downtown. Hair done. Nails neat. Fresh hairdo. Nice dress. Even the Metra train conductor did a double take. The boyfriend didn't show up. I went home defeated. I got back on that train, and the conductor was confused to see me early. I admitted I was stood up, and he KEPT coming back to talk about me being stood up. It was pissing me off more than the guy who stood me up to the point I started ignoring the conductor. He dodged my phone calls and wouldn't answer his pager. (Yeah, clearly a long time ago.) When I finally got him on the phone, I told him, "I hope you get shot in the heart so you know how I feel" and slammed down the pay phone. (Salute to the '90s.) Years later, and when I was in my 20s, I realized how peculiar it was for someone age 24 to be dating someone who was 16/17. He did me a favor. He needed to date someone his own age anyway.

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George P Farrell's avatar

You’re not alone.

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Khải Đơn's avatar

Maybe I am just the kind that extremely focuses on the food so I haven't noticed all the self awareness trajectory happens with people eating alone. Thank you for writing this beautiful piece with lovely humor.

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Kenneth Mills's avatar

Thank you! And curse that blue-grey bullet-headed barmaid. How dare he be so vile *and* appear to be so comfortable in his own skin. (The phone wanted "swim".)

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Kevin Maher's avatar

Fantastic!👏🤣✍️

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